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Sri Lanka Equity Forum » Stock Market Entertainment » Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Jokes

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1 Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:18 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

2 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Leaving my husband

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

3 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Job application

A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught."

4 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
P/E ratio

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

5 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Bull Market & Bear Market

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none.

6 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
'we're in turmoil.'

Some years ago, Calcutta stockbrokers were riding high on the Indian tea boom. A stockbroker told of a client who telephoned at the busiest time of the day. 'Can't speak to you for long said the broker, 'we're in turmoil.' Buy me a thousand said the client eagerly.

7 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
SAINTS then and today

Year's ago people who sacrificed their sleep, family, food and happiness were called SAINTS…. Today they are called shareholders

8 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Last year

The best time to buy anything is last year

9 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
'insufficient funds'

What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

10 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Wallstreet Market Commentary

Wallstreet Market Commentary ...
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

11 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Diversification

Diversification:
Things go wrong all at once, but go right gradually

12 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Long term investment

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

13 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
First rule of investing

The first rule of investing is not to lose money. The second rule is not to forget the first rule!

14 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Classes of forecasters

We have two classes of forecasters:
Those who don't know -- and those who don't know they don't know!

15 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

16 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Mistakes

When doctors make mistakes, at least they kill their patients.
When stock brokers make mistakes, they merely ruin them.

17 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
The best way of "making money"

The best way of "making money" is to forget who you borrowed it from.

18 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:35 pm

StocksWatch

avatar
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

19 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:36 pm

StocksWatch

avatar
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.



Last edited by StocksWatch on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

20 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:37 pm

StocksWatch

avatar
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

21 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm

StocksWatch

avatar
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

22 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm

kuk83

avatar
Manager - Equity Analytics
Manager - Equity Analytics
@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Best joke Very Happy Very Happy

23 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:46 pm

chamith

avatar
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good

-------------------------------

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

24 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:03 pm

greene


Equity Analytic
Equity Analytic
@Quibit wrote:Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

xD

25 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:42 pm

milanka

avatar
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
@StocksWatch wrote:My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

And for myself – working with the bank manager, for the best house mortgage plan..

http://forum.srilankaequity.com/u188

26 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:00 am

Meta Trader

avatar
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Stock Market Investment tips for 2011

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2011.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

27 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:02 am

Meta Trader

avatar
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationery.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

28 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun May 08, 2011 6:40 am

tkc

avatar
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
About Stocks Trading Strategies

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
By Clint Eastwood

29 Financial Jokes, Share Market Jokes on Fri May 13, 2011 11:35 am

jreshu


Stock Trader
Wallstreet Market Commentary ...

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
Making Money
Q: How to make a million in the stock market?
A: Start with two!
QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER : When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?
A: Say, "Hey, waiter!" (he's waitin always to get the price...)
--------------------------------------------
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
--------------------------------------------
The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Sensex was unchanged and they called it a rally......

------------------
Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before
---------------------------------------------------
"I hear that you drop some money in Markets. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."


http://accurate-sureshot-stock-tips.blogspot.com/p/financial-jokes-share-market-jokes_07.html



Last edited by Quibit on Fri May 13, 2011 12:23 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Post Modified to include Jokes from Posters websites)

30 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Fri May 13, 2011 12:15 pm

Quibit

avatar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Your post moved to Entertainment Section.

31 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Fri May 13, 2011 12:47 pm

Antonym

avatar
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Hi, Quibit - I am not sure whether my comment deserves to be in the Entertainment Section. Just delete it. Smile

32 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Fri May 13, 2011 1:04 pm

milanka

avatar
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker - Poorer than you were 2 years ago.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.


http://forum.srilankaequity.com/u188

33 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Fri May 13, 2011 1:06 pm

duke


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

34 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Fri May 13, 2011 1:47 pm

milanka

avatar
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
@duke wrote:Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

To complete it , May I add the folowing :-

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down during the coming weeks , months and quarters. -- MarketWatch

http://forum.srilankaequity.com/u188

35 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Fri May 13, 2011 2:37 pm

duke


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
@milanka wrote:
@duke wrote:Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

To complete it , May I add the folowing :-

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down during the coming weeks , months and quarters. -- MarketWatch

yep, that's the one. Smile

36 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Wed May 18, 2011 9:19 am

tkc

avatar
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Boy : Do you Love me ?
Girl: Yes, a lot Smile

*Boy goes Running*

Girl : Where are you going?
Boy : To update my Relationship status on Facebook.

This is not related to stock market.But it is Cool Cool

37 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun May 22, 2011 10:53 am

duke


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

38 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Sun May 22, 2011 11:40 am

xhora

avatar
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
@duke wrote:Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Best joke ever

39 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:53 am

MarketResearch

avatar
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Ane Andanna Epa Raththaran me MR innakan

40 Re: Stock Market Jokes on Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:11 am

hipokid

avatar
Equity Analytic
Equity Analytic
Some shares go up
Some shares go down
Some are remaining same
I lost day by day
Embarassed

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